Modern music is 99.9999999% bland, soul sapping tedium and the rest is split between the gloriously awful and the awfully glorious. We are told, as if this is a good thing, that a man from R.E.M is big time ga-ga for the works of Joseph Arthur.
We agree. We agree with the man from R.E.M. Of course, we'd prefer to be agreeing with the man from Del Monte or the man from sweetshop who looks at your sister in a funny way, but Joseph Arthur has jangled an anthem into our stony hearts and you'll agree, or die, that ''Saint Of Impossible Causes'' is a lovely, lovely thing and, now that everyone has forgotten about World Party, he might just get away with it.
JUST KEEP PULLING THE TRIGGER UNTIL THE NOISE STOPS
Hallo you, and you, whoever you are.
Now, you may be wearing silly
trousers and have a haircut that cost
more than beer, you bastard, but
you'll never be as wet, silly and
derivative as the hopelessly soppy Yo' True. WE DIDN'T MAKE IT UP Really, it's no wonder that fourteen
year old girls are chaining Aerosmith
and Status Quo and Blur, damn their
beady eyes, said 'Modern Life Is
Rubbish' because ten seconds spent listening to Yo' True confirms it. HEAR FOR YOURSELF And Yo' True, or Benjamin J Wood will fill your ears with all the Godley n Creme sheened Lily Allen discards you can handle.
I have nothing to say
CHEMICAL WARFARE VICTIM SPEAKS OUT
COCCO NUT REPORTS
Information that suggests that the Jagger regime is using chemical deprivation as a weapon in the Rolling Stones civil war is accumulating rapidly. I WANT TO BE BOMBED!
On the border between Sussex and Surrey we were introduced to a shambling wreck of a man who exhibited all the classic signs of chemical deprivation; confusion, a sweaty hat and an involuntary whistling of blues riffs from the 1930's. ''I'm hurting man'' sobbed Keef Al Richards, ''That Mick is like a total dictator, rationing the gear, pouting n sneering and making like he's President of Syria, whatever that is.''
BORED POP TARTS ACTUALLY LIKE SOMETHING...
Scandinavia has a lot to answer for, tedious tv, knitwear designs that make you want to self harm and the cultutal millstone of Abba, but all is forgiven with the advent of SLIM LORIS. They are a band so exciting that we've come over all excited and we're pushing you to click them and their stuff while we rustle up a review.
GOOD NEWS FOR MODERN MAN!
Stan The Five Year Plan Says These Things
will know Ozzy
Osbourne as the
man brave enough
to live with Sharon
and will most
likely never heard
of Tommy Iommi
and Geezer Butler,
but they're Black
Sabbath and Black Sabbath have just released their first studio album for forty odd years and it really, really smacks arse. It's called ''13'' and while it's a depressing that the best hard rock album we have on the premises is from pensioners, it's such a blinding bit of kit that we just don't care. Click the video thing and hear some hard rock.
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...
You start to prefer a potty to a nappy.
You stop watching 'The Voice' and start using your own.
You get a younger brother or sister.
Policeman start asking you what's in your bag, also see under 'You're Black When...'
All crayons, even the blue ones, seem to taste funny.
You realise that everything on TV is rubbish, except for 'The Returned'.